The beauty of destruction

As I look out of my window at Pulau Ubin across the sea, it had a extra mystical cloak of mist surrounding it. My brain came up with the perfect logical explanation: bush fires in tampines burning down 10 football pitch size of grassland. lolz, the irony of it as I look at the perfect scenery while I'm having a persistent cough due to the bad air. But sometimes, irony as such can be so beautiful (*points to title. Yes, the beauty of destruction. As I travelled in my dad's car down to tampines today, I saw the patches of grassland that were burnt down by the fires. Obviously, the majority part of it was in a disgusting black, carbon for that matter(pun!), but well, there was these small patches around that were scorched but not burnt down. They were of a poetic red, like what u see in autumn in other countries. No kidding, the entire tree was just standing there, with all its leaves red and looking ready to drop. I was rather disturbed...How can something look so beautiful after it's been destroyed? I thought and well...my answer....Because it was beautiful and good in the first place.... When someone comes along and destroys it, yes most of it would be gone, but there would be enough of it remaining to remind us of its once beauty...

blogging here now less than 15 hrs from the release of O'level results. Well...I spent the last 2 days slacking, while ppl around me start to get butterflies in stomach. While after some thought and reflection, I found myself perhaps worrying a little too.
On the last Civics lesson, we had to write something encouraging for everyone in the class on a piece of paper with his/her name on it. It was a rather ordinary affair. I mean, like in a few seconds, how can someone pen something that is truly sincere and from the bottom of the heart. However, after getting back my piece of paper, I guess I was wrong in a way. What they wrote did not matter...it's only words after all, yet it was the memories and recollection that came with it that was truly important. Nevermind if the words they wrote weren't meaningful, the fact is that for these 2 months, no matter how small, they were part of ur life and u were part of theirs. This fact alone, made the piece of paper priceless....
Will just like to thank my class for making the 2 months in RJ so far enjoyable. I believe the bond we built in these 2 mnths would last come what may. lolz, think I would make a dedication entry to my class tmr, depending on my results, it could be a farewell entry as well, but touch wood k?

I do not fear failure, what I fear is the things that failure makes me lose.....

I posted the following on my OG blog, thought it was quite well-written, so here goes:P

In view of the upcoming release of O level results, there has been a flurry of debates among the JC1s of RJC. The issues that they were debating?

1) Date of release of results
The date of release of results was a concern among the students as the day after the release of results was declared a holiday. Thus, if the date falls on a Friday, then the holiday would be "wasted" in a sense. As till date no press release has been announced, speculations were wild and fiery.
According to a "reliable" source from MOE(another way of putting it would be like my friend's friend's mother), the results are to be out on Monday. This concurs with the general opinion of the students as it would mean a long weekend for them. My class would be exceptionally happy becoz Mon and Tues are long days ending at 4pm and 3.30pm respectively. Furthermore, it frees up time for an OG outing:)
However, according to a reliable source from RI(a certain Mrs Jasbir Koh who should be fondly remembered by the RI guys), the results would be out on Friday. She so heavily(pun) insisted on it that no one dared to doubt her. If this is true, then as 1 current RJC student candidly puts it, "I would not go for Drama Feste on Thurs coz I would be at home worrying about my result. You won't see me on Fri either coz I would be at the top of a building."

2) Brown Envelope? White Envelope?
Yes, the above is the most frequently asked question of the day as the elites of RJC tries to figure out the hidden meaning behind the colour coding of the envelopes containing the letter on JAE sent by the MOE. Whether or not MOE intended the colour coding was relatively unknown, yet as usual when there is a difference, controversy sets in. Unfortunately, there is no clear cut distinction of pattern this time, for there seem to be as many ppl who are likely to flunk getting a brown envelope as those getting a white envelope. However, still from reliable sources this time, it seemed that if u received a letter for a teachers' seminar or for the Talent Development Scheme, u should start worrying. It was rumoured that that the if u received the teachers' seminar letter, ur aggregate would be 17+ and this information was published some time this week. Sadly, I am unable to confirm this speculation for I did not come across such a publication these few days.

As a conclusion, we can see that MOE is truly a mastermind in mind games. By giving vague information like "o level results would be out end of this week to early next week" and sending envelopes in different colours, they have set the entire J1 cohort alive in flames, hyperventilating in an air-con room. Well, on an ending note, good luck for the results, (touch wood), as if u all need it, rite? :)

P.S. The author of this article received a BROWN envelope.

The teenager sat silently in the room, staring at the computer screen. HIs mind was in a blank, the words on the screen made no sense to him. In a split second, he was transported back to his childhood....Images from years ago flooded his eyes...there was a twinkle or a hint of a spark in his eyes. The years went by in seconds... and he was lost in his own world....Suddenly, he was jolted back into reality.... A painful image flashed across his mind, causing searing pain to all parts of the body. He woke up from his reverie and found the words on the screen blurred...As he gingerly reached up to rub his eyes, he felt moisture running down the side of his cheek... He soon became aware of himself and he quickly wiped the tear away.. "Crying is a weakness, I must not cry" he thought as he sat up abruptly and continued typing away at the senseless words on the screen. The tear was in vain....

Today it rained....thus i'll blog

So many events have went by since I last blogged, CNY, Valentine's Day and half of friendship week, not to mention the many events tht took place after orientation tht i did not post up here. College life had indeed been a blitz, time goes by extremely quickly and sometimes, we just can't catch up. Perhaps its better this way ....thoughts are more suppressed this way and there is no time to regret or to mourn, numbing our emotions... Lets face it, in an elitist environment, you aren't allowed to feel, you are supposed to face everything in rationale judgement and more often than not, ur feelings becomes the "noble sacrifice" for the greater good. Emotions become a weakness, tht if manipulated carefully, can become a most devastating weapon...

So many people are shifting their blogs, many others locking theirs, yet I choose to stay here in the open.... coz I have nothing to hide... I'm not a social butterfly, but that doesn't mean I am a blind bystander. It is amazing and rather amusing to see ppl who flip about 2 totally different sides of themselves in front of different ppl. Is that confirmation by that few extra ppl worth the effort to make urself so pathetic? I really wonder... College life is only 2 years, if it is going to be emptiness, then 2 years of emptiness it shall be, I could live with that....but if u ask me to pretend to be someone I'm not, I say No, I will never forgive myself if I do that...

O level results would be out soon... Somehow, though it's rather suppressed, I somewhat wish I flunk it so that I'll be out of RJ... then perhaps I'll see college life from a non-elitist perspective and perhaps I'll be happier, but well....tht will just remain a thought becoz of yes, u know it, rationale judgement... Logic that seem so right even till the end of the world. 6 points, eh? 10 A1s? I dun give a damn...........................but on hindsight, yeah I dun mind having them. Rationale judgement at work again....

Reality struck me today....I did not have the courage to know the truth...Perhaps thts why I'm avoiding... to deceive myself so that I do not crumble....

CNY approaching in an hour.... Looking forward to break away from the shackles of sch life. Performed for celebrations todae....quite crappy... when we did not intend to screw up, we did and vice versa...lol... but well, at least tht marks the first performance with RJCO... After tht went to lao yu sheng with my class b4 heading to RI to find some teachers. It's amazing how the festive season can affect our emotional state... Just had reunion dinner a few hours ago... and waiting for tmr to come now:)

I sat, staring at the TV, yet my brain registered not what was shown....instead... millions and milions of thoughts flooded the nerves. I'm getting scared of my own thoughts, they are getting too complicated....too twisting....too confusing... Its like being sucked into a whirlpool that does not end and u just keep going in rounds... never-ending.... I wonder when will I truly smile again....

As CNY approaches, the school gears up its festive mood by decorating the sch with beautiful ornaments and designs. Yet, adding or subtracting to the festive mood, were ppl who were observant enough to notice that the Monday after the long CNY break is Valentine's Day.

有你在身旁，情人节每天都过...
但失去的能重来吗？
不知我在你心中的地位，我痴痴地等，等待奇迹的出现...

It's about when to let go, when to truly lift the burden from your shoulders, but how can we judge when we know not whether would we regret the decision.

放手是成全，但你需要成全吗？
不放手是执着，但执着有结果吗？

It's just so contradictory and confusing tht after some time we'll just give up thinking about it. But again the act in itself is self-denial, avoidance. Why can't things be simpler? Why can't our feelings be simpler?

我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱能不能够永远单纯没有悲哀
我 想带妳骑单车 我 想和妳看棒球 心意
想这样没担忧 唱着歌 一直走
我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱可不可以简简单单没有伤害
妳 靠着我的肩膀 妳 在我胸口睡着
像这样的生活 我爱妳 妳爱我

I hate hypocrites....yet sometimes, being hypocritical seems to be the only way to be sincere.... I'm sick and tired of putting up false fronts, to smile when I feel like crying, to laugh when I feel disgusted, to say yes when I actually mean no. Yet, I can't do the opposite, there's a term for it, it's called social sucide.....

The smile on your face, the look in your eyes..... How can such intense postitveness arise out of plain electrical signals? And I wonder, wonder why fear is associated with it....

就是开不了口 让她知道
就是那么简单几句 我办不到
整颗心悬在半空 我只能够 远远看着
这些我都做得到 但那个人已经不是我

Perhaps after today, the sky will be bright again... The dark clouds in my brain will clear up and show me the path I should take, but meanwhile....

刮风这天 我试过握着你手
但偏偏 雨渐渐 大到我看你不见 还要多久
我才能在你身边 等待放晴的那天 也许我会比较好一点
从前从前 有个人爱你很久 但偏偏 风渐渐 把距离吹得好远
好不容易 又能再多爱一天 但故事的最后你好像说了拜拜

Now blogging in fronnt of a computer, I have a choice to make, yet I have no decision. However, we always need to provide an idealistic ending so tht we go away feeling much better in our own lives...

我想我应该轻轻放开你的手，我却没有力气这么做．．．
我会学着放弃你，是因为我爱你．．．

Sorry ppl, making u all read thru all these rubbish, but there's really too much on my mind now to make a narrative blog and i guess u can assume all are routine in sch... Happy CNY! and Valentine's Day (to whom it may concern) thts all from me...