Went for mayday's tics collection thingy yest.... And i must say, unlike some of the fans there who were complaining about how the weather was so unforgiving and the prospect of getting only a poster when they run out of tics, the most important thing was that you were there to support their music.... And when you see many people turning up just for their music, you should be gladdened, not complaining.... That's why when i saw the person in front of me slot his girlfriend in holding 4 new albums, i was disgusted..... lolz... maybe overr-reacting lar, but you get what i mean....

Leaving for taiwan in like 3 hrs..... Happy New Year in advance! Be back on the 4th....

As 2008 draws to a end, I looked for a apt conclusion to sum the year up. I am startled at how easy the conclusion for 2008 came to me. Was watching 超级星光大道, and sg singer 黄靖伦 was on it singing a song.

当我默默黯然回首
当我看尽潮起潮落

朦胧之间
仿佛我又看见你的脸
依然带着淡淡忧愁的双眼
忽隐忽现

就当全是一场梦
不必演是我的错
无奈的苦笑不必找牵强的理由
就让它日日夜夜刺痛我胸口
让我眼神没有焦点
泪水模糊我的视线

输了你赢了世界又如何
你曾渴望的梦
我想我永远不会懂

我失去你赢了一切
确依然如此冷清
有谁又能让我倾心
除了你

你我之间
难道没有剩下一点点
一点曾经刻骨铭心的眷恋
让你挂念

我只能说如今我已无处可躲
当我默默黯然回首
当我看尽潮起潮落

[林志炫 - 输了你赢了世界又如何]

输了你赢了世界又如何.....

I'm pretty sure this is karma..... after i finished the previous post, I went out for a run. And for the first time in my history of running in Pasir Ris Park, I got caught in the rain! Karma is so ironic.... lol... but oh well, i did get a bit of that "high" feeling of driving an open-top vehicle in the rain, just that tiny bit... gosh i miss driving....

okayy... an add-on.... i was in two minds on whether to put this up.... hahaz... lets just call it the birthday incident... On my birthday itself, a friend informed me on msn that my bday was not reflected in the events app, asked me to put it up to see how many ppl will respond to it... And tada! the results is on my facebook wall... lolz.... was more amused than anything.... hahaz....

This cartoon from readers' digest is so apt!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

The concept of love...

It's Christmas's' eve!!! the season of love!! no better time to talk about the concept of love.....

A while ago b4 i left for aussie, one of my bunkmate suddenly threw a qn into the air, "How do you define love?" I started with a reply, "Love is an inspiration." Then paused for a while to generate the elaboration needed but it was pointless, cos i got cut off by him and he started on this concept of love thingy about selfless giving and all that. He even berated me for having no sense of what love is. I dun blame him, he's from chc(no offence intended) just to clarify that his influences are more pop-cultured than others and that the word "inspiration" by itself seems a little weak to carry the whole concept of love. No one pursued the incident after and i kept it at the back of my mind until one day, after reading chuck palahniuk's choke and c.s lewis's screwtape letters one after the other, a wisp of inspiration dawned upon me. And so here I am, after arranging those thoughts, to give you my take on the concept of love.

Many people, when asked to define love, would reach for a personal definition, one that includes the pronoun "I". Love is after all about relationships and it is impossible to talk of one without the pronoun "I". Even in movie Love Actually, the direction explains the use of the ending song as Beach boys' "God only knows what I'd be without you" rather than the beatles "All you need is love" as one to remind people that love is not just a grand big concept, but this small personal thing in every single person's life. However, what i fear is happening is the exact opposite. I would illustrate this using an analogy of Venn diagrams. When asked to define love, people would (if using a Venn diagram) draw many circles around his own one in the middle. He would then be particularly interested in the intersections and would call the better-ing and the expansion of the intersections as love. On surface, this seems to be a fine and sound definition of love, but is it really? I guess our egocentric nature has taken root and we need some reminding to rid us of this painfully myopic view. Love, as it would be defined by me, selfless giving for the better-ing of not the intersection, but of the one you love alone. So, what it means is that after you draw the Venn diagram, you've got to take an eraser and erase away your own circle so that you are able to look at every single circle in your diagram individually as a whole. Your actions, whether they lead to an expansion of the intersections, shouldn't matter to you. What I am saying here is that your love(selfless giving) cannot be motivated by the better-ing of relationships with the people you love(the intersections). Illogical as it may seems, but remember that love is a selfless giving that cannot tolerate the pronoun "I". Hence love is an inspiration - an idea that is a motivation by itself and is sustained by itself exclusively. It is only when you see things this way that you realise how painfully myopic and egocentric we were, and some of the "greatest love" are still now....

Sorry for force-feeding the saggittarian's over idealistic concept of love(yah, it's true, can go check out the personalities of the different star signs) on Christmas' eve. I guess it's best to keep it simple. It's warm fuzzy feeling that you feel in the air =P yupz... and you're hearing connie talbot here with her sweet vocals, belting out "i will always love you"... the innocence and the sincere-ness in the voice......

okayy... to try help ppl understand the post on Choke the novel.... There's a lot of controversial themes and material inside to confuse you(the precise intent of the author) but you've just got to keep your head up and look at the issues objectively. Here's some directions from my POV....

The 3 parts are taken from the same book but at different sections. Part 1 is my attempt at providing a background to the whole episode and also higlighting the "irony"(up to you to interpret) of the insights of the child. Instead of being thankful at being saved, he was thankful for the oppurtunity to obtain affection and attention. This portion should already forewarn you of the next 2 parts.

Part 2 is a description of the main act (after all the novel's called choke for a reason) and a whole lot of self-righteous (again i'm using safe terms here, but yah, it's open to interpretation) justification of the act. Denny obviously objects to it (i like the "why you do this is so infantile" line) but does nothing to stop him.

Part 3 is the interesting one and holds the most important line in the whole episode. "I knew you were faking. Everyone else saw what they wanted to see." Here, the old lady "exposes" him and then praises him, in which he lashes back using extremely strong language.("I don't have a fuck for a heart") Notice the apparent contradiction btw part 2 and 3, where in part 2, he justifies the act and in part 3, he lashes back because someone agrees with him to a certain extent. Why? is the impt qn i shall leave for you to comtemplate......

Of Kebabs, Kabanas and Kangaroos (not to forget chips, pasitos, breka etc etc......)

My memory of australia is mainly this warm fuzzy feeling which i think is best described by the picture (on the left). Lazing around sunning, there was almost a feeling that you had all the time in the world. I think it has something to do with the clear blue sky and fantastic sceneries during sunrises and sunsets which makes u stand back and take a better look at nature, and be in awe of it.

Pretty strange, considering the "worst" i've been through there was certainly some fast-paced action coupled with insane weather. Granted, the live firings were spectacular, the missions tough, the driving exciting, but they all weren't as memorable i guess.

The First Sunrise.

Awesome sunset. Look at the whole range of colours!

A rainbow appeared while we were RTU-ing after endex on the last day. It was evening time also, so the sky was glowing red too...

A fitting send-off for us! For those observant, should be able to see that it's a double rainbow...

In case you were wondering what breka and pasito were. Haha! They were the comfort drinks we survived on in camp though being ripped off by the vendors at the same time. A can(350ml) of pasito costs 2 aussies in camp, but when we went to town during R and R, 2 X 1.5 L of Pasito (shown on the left) costs.... amazingly..... 2 aussies.

Breka's the brand of the milk. My favourite flavor's chocalte though, didn't bother to find it to take a photo. As usual we were ripped off, but not as badly as pasitos....

Okayz.. final pic... this is in sentosa, not aussie.. the crazy lightstrike people that made NS so much more fun and happening... (okay not all of them in this pic, but this is the best one i could find that conveys the lightstrike "spirit" hahaz) we just finished our volleyball game and yes, continued to tao-pok ben in broad daylight. I'm the photographer, so not in the photo :)

I'm not uploading most of the aussie photos cos yah, most of them can't see the light of the day, so pm me if u want to see them....

PART 1
"At lunch today, the kid tried to eat his corn dog while it was still too hot and almost swallowed it whole, but it got stuck and he couldn't breathe or talk until the Mommy charged around from her side of the table.

Then two arms were hugging him from behind, lifting him off his feet, and the Mommy whispered, "Breathe! Breathe, damn it!"

After that, the kid was crying, and the entire restaurant crowded around.

At that moment, it seemed the whole world cared what happened to him. All those people were hugging him and petting his hair. Everybody asked if he was okay.

It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved...."

PART 2
"This never takes very long. The whole adventure lasts one, two minutes, tops. That's good, since that's about how long I can hold my breath with a mouthful of food.

My first choice would be the older man with the thick gold wristwatch, somebody who will save the day and pick up our check for dinner. My personal choice is the little black dress for the reason she has nice tits.
Even if we have to pay for our own meal, I figure you have to spend money to make money.

Shovelling food into his fave, Denny says, "Why you so this is so infantile."

I stagger over and kick him, again.

Why do I do this to put adventures back into people's lives.

Why do I do this to create heroes. Put people to the test.

Like mother, like son.


Why I do this to make money.


Somebody saves your life , and they'll love you forever. It's that old Chinese custom where if somebody saves your life, they're responsible for you forever. It's as if now you're their child. For the rest of their lives, these people will wrtie me. Send me cards on the anniversary. Birthday cards. It's depressing how many people get this same idea. They call you on the phone. To find out if you're feeling okay. To see if you maybe need some cheering up. Or cash.


It's not as if I spend the money phoning up escort girls. Keeping my mom in St Anthony's Care Center costs around three grand each month. These Good Samaritans keep me alive. I keep her. It's that simple.


You gain power by pretending to be weak. By contrast, you make people feel so strong. You save people by letting them save you.


All you have to do is to be fragile and grateful. So stay the underdog.


People really need somebody they feel superior to. So stay downtrodden.


People need somebody they can send a check at Christmas. So stay poor.


"Charity" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.


You're the proof of their courage. The proof they were a hero. Evidence of their success. I do this because everybody wants to save a human life with a hundred people watching.


If I can't be a great doctor saving hundreds of patients, this way I'm a great patient creating hundreds of would-be doctors.


Closing in fast is a man in a tuxedo, dodging between the onlookers, running with his steak knife and his ballpoint pen.


By choking, you become a legend about themselves that these people will cherish and repeat until they die. They'll think they gave you life. You might be the one good deed, the deathbed memory that justifies their whole existence.



So be the aggressive victim, the big loser. A professional failure.



People will jump through hoops if you make them feel like a god.



It's the martyrdom of Saint Me.



Denny scrapes my plate onto his and keeps forking food into his mouth.



The wine steward is here. The little black dress is up against me. The man with the thick gold watch.



In another minute, the arms will come around me from behind. Some stranger will be hugging me tight, double-fisting me under the rib-cage and breathing into my ear, "You're okay."



Breathing into your ear, "You're going to be fine."



Two arms will hug you, maybe even lift you off your feet, and a stranger wil whisper, "Breathe! Breathe, damn it!"



Somebody will pound you on the back the way a doctor pounds a newborn baby, and you'll let fly with your mouthful of chewed steak. In the next second, you'll both be collasped on the floor. You'll be sobbing while someone tells you how everything is all right. You're alive. They saved you. You almost died. They'll hold your head to their chest and rock you, saying, "Everybody get back. Make some room, here. The show's over."



Already, you're their child. You belong to them.



They'll put a glass of water to your lips and say, "Just relax. Hush. It's all over."



Hush.



For years to come, this person will call and write. You'll get cards and maybe checks.



Whoever it is, this person will love you.



Whoever will be so proud. Even if maybe your real folks aren't. This person will be proud of you because you make them so proud of themselves.



You'll sip the water and cough just so the hero can wipe your chin with a napkin.



Do this to cement this new bond. This adoption. Remember to add details. Stain their clothes with snot so they can laugh and forgive you. Cling and clutch. Really cry so they can wipe your eyes.



It's okay to cry as long as you are faking it.



Just don't hold anything back. This is going to be the best story of somebody's life.



What's most important is unless you want a nasty trache scar, you'd better be breathing before anybody gets near you with a steak knife, a pocketknife, a box cutter.



Everyone in the restaurant, sometimes they'll stand there and applaud. People will cry with relief. People will pour out of the kitchen. Within minutes, they'll be telling the story to each other. Everybody will buy drinks for the hero. Their eyes all shining with eye juice.



They'll all shake the hero's hand.



They'll pat the hero on the back.



It's so much more their birth than it is yours, but for years to come this person will send you a birthday card on this day and month. They'll become another member of your own very very extended family.



And Denny will shake his head and ask for a desert menu.



That's why I do all this. Go to all this trouble. To showcase just one brave stranger. To save just one more person from boredom. It's not just for the money. It's not just for the adoration.

But neither one hurts.

It's all so easy. It's not about looking good. at least not on the surface - but you still win. Just let yourself be broken and humiliated. Just your whole life, keep telling people, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

PART 3
"The old woman pulled her face away from Dr Marshall, tonguing the string and bits of bloody food out of her mouth." SHe looked at me and said in her creaking voice, "I know you"

As automatic as sneezing, I said, I'm sorry. Sorry I fucked her cat. Sorry I drove over her flower beds. Sorry I shot down her husband's fighter plane. Sorry I flushed her hamster down the toilet. I sighed at her and said, "Did I forget anything?"

And Mrs. Tsunimitsu said, "I was with my son's family, dining out, and you almost choked to death." She says, "My son saved your life."

She says, "I was so proud of him. He still tells people that story."

Paige Marshall looks up at me.

"Secretly," Mrs Tsunimitse said, "I think my son, Paul, always felt like a coward until that night.

Paige sat back and looked from the old woman to me, back and forth.

Mrs. Tsunimitsu clasped her hands together below her chin, closed her eyes, and smiled. She said, "My daughter-in-law had wanted a divorce, but after she saw Paul save your, she fell back in love."

She said, "I knew you were faking. Everyone else saw what they wanted to see."

She said, "You have an enormous capacity for love in you."

The old woman sat there smiling and said, "I can tell you have the most generous of hearts."

And fast as sneezing, I told her:

"Your're a fucking wrinkled lunatic."

And Paige winces.

I tell everybody, I'm tired of being jerked around. Okay? So let's just not pretend. I don't have a fuck for a heart. You people are not going to make me feel anything. You are not going to get to me.

I'm a stupid, callous, scheming batard. End of story.

This old Mrs. Tsunimitsu. Paige Marshall. Ursula. Nico, Tanya, Leeza. My mom. Some days, life just looks like me versus every stupid chick in the whole damn world.

With one hand, I grab Paige Marshall around the arm and yank her towards the door.

Nobody's going to trick me into feeling Christlike.

"Listen to me," I say. I shout, "If I wanted to feel anything, I'd go to a frigging movie!"

And old Mrs. Tsunimitsu smiles and says, "You can't deny the goodness of your true nature. It's shining for everyone to see."

To her I say, shut up. To Paige Marshall I say, "Come on"

I'll prove to her I'm no Jesus Christ. Anybody's true nature is bullshit. There is no human soul. Emotion is bullshit. Love is bullshit. And I'm dragging Paige down the hallway.

We live and we die and anything else is just delusion, It's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death.

What I am is a dirty, filthy, helpless sexaholic, and I can't change, and I can't stop, and that's all I'll ever be.

And I'll prove it."

I apologise for the crude and perhaps to some, offensive language. But it seems as though I blog best through the voice of another. I'll be the greatest plagarist in uni i think... The above 3 parts are taken from the novel Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club. I'll leave you to do your own interpretation and understanding....

Haven't blogged since I've touched down. Twenteen alr.... but unfortunately dun feel tht old... lolz... Just coming upz for some air... So dun expect regular posts... not just yet.... I'm a bloody mix of love, anger, fruastration, happiness, hope, zen, peace and so on and on... In short, I'm confused......

当我伫立在窗前
你愈走愈远
我的每一次心跳
你是否听见

当我徘徊在深夜
你在我心田
你的每一句誓言
回荡在耳边

隐隐约约
闪动的双眼
藏着你的羞怯
加深我的思念

两颗心的交界
你一定会看见
只要你愿意走向前

天天想你 天天问自己
到什么时候才能告诉你
天天想你 天天守住一颗心
把我最好的爱留给你

k... really got to leave now... See you peeps afer nov 16.... this song is for everyone of u out there lar.... some more than the others (like duh) .... I really have a soft spot for combination of 张雨生 and 五月天.... haha....

Cos i'm leaving on a jet plane.....

ausausausausasuasuasuasuORDORDORDORDORDORDORD....... okie... random... getting some pre-flight high or something...

歌手：五月天
歌名：终结孤单

约你你说不来　来了你又不high
大家开开心心出来玩　你却埋头吃饭

如果你的孤单　只是你的习惯
你就把你自己锁起来　实在是太不应该

心情好　心情坏　怎么开始怎么办
你有的不爽　让我来分担
everything gonna be alright
tomorrow will be fine
太阳依然灿烂　地球继续转
有我的陪伴 你再也不孤单

有我的陪伴　一起终结孤单
卫冕者接受挑战　难免也会失败

人生像一场比赛　还是要保持乐观
请你把头抬起来　帮你把勇气装满

有我这样完美的朋友
High不High 当然很High
啦.......

What you are hearing in the background is Torn sung by the original band that produced it, Ednaswap. A bit bluesy, but i thought i captured the essence of the lyrics better than the all-so-familiar version by Natalie Imbruglia. The lead singer voice is fantastic and the accompanying acoustic guitar is absolutely magic. Enjoy!

201008, t3, r10, 1500..... 34 days to ORD..... The contrast between the two is ultimately great... haiz... oh well... it's like ending it with some fireworks ba.... I can still safely say that up till now there wasn't a moment where i regretted signing the VES form and i think i'll have the coy guys to thank for that... 7 days to kangarooland! They should issue an advisory to the kangaroos warning them to get out of our way when our vehicles come through... haha... i'm getting incoherent....

And while another nsf dies in camp doing chin-ups, we almost added to the stats the next day with a vehicle overturn. Who ever said driving was fun eh? haiz... Kangeroo land in 2 weeks time. then ORD after that.... Till then..

Thankful and liberated....

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

From The United States Declaration of Independence

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that? "

From the movie "The pursuit of happYness"

So, how do we define the pursuit of happiness? From wiki, we have...

"Among these inalienable rights, as proclaimed in that great document, is the right of men to pursue their happiness, by which is meant the right to pursue any lawful business or vocation, in any manner not inconsistent with the equal rights of others, which may increase their prosperity or develop their faculties, so as to give to them their highest enjoyment. "

I dunno about you. But for me, there's a sense of disappointment after reading that definition given. There's got to be something more, my gut insisted. And so what more was I/ were we looking for? After pondering a while, I can't come up with a specific answer and then I realised perhaps that's the reason for the particularly ambigious phrasing. That it was meant to inspire inspiration. The phrase "pursuit of happiness" struck me with a sense of idealism and hope which i think the person who wrote it intended. Note that happiness by itself is not a right and only the pursuit of it is.

I'm amazed by soundtracks. Unlike a normal pop or classical song, they dun have the time and space to express whatever emotions the composer intend. Instead, they are constrained by the visuals of the movie, needing to match them to bring out the mood and theme appropriately. So the end result is often very intense music that can stir your hearts in a moment and melt them in the next. The background music now is from love actually's soundtrack, where you can hear how intensity is created by the running notes the strings are playing against the brass and how it is sustained by adding and removing layers (flutes, bass, timps, etc). Aye... if you are impressed by that, then you should check out Glasgow love theme and Portuguese love theme by Craig Armstrong as well...



This is a snippet of Beijing Olympics victory ceremony music - 茉莉花(adapted and rearranged by Tan Dun and Wang Hesheng) similarly, the intensity is amazing here... and yes, i do hope they release the scores one day so we might actually get to play it.

And yes, with youtube, even amateur musicians like you and me get immortalised...



Tht's zj at his very best on the timps with GECO. He gets a lot of screen time.. haha.. but it's well deserved, not an easy part to play.. can check with mingjie if you dun believe... lol...

I was... thankful? when i found the next video on youtube.



hmm... the timps sound grossly out of balance. I din remember doing a sound check, tht could be the reason or that the mic is not a good one... haha.. the former more likely since the other parts sound okay... But in any case, that was the only time I felt that I was playing the music for myself as much as it is for the audience. Cos normally it is 奏来打动观众的心, but that time, it was a matter of having a way to show gratitude. So thank you chen wei, for immortalising that special moment, via both your composition of 心贤 and the posting of the video recording on youtube...

当你的心已累
以为失去了一切
其实等在前面
还有一整个世界

当你的爱已碎
以为纯真会幻灭
其实等在前面
还有一整个新的视野
新的起点

有一段时间我放弃相信， 但无情的收音机在某天播出这首歌， 来不及转台， 就被那份真 （纯真）， 忱(热忱）， 垦(诚恳）给打动.... 让我开始再相信... 五月天与张雨生让我上了一堂宝贵的人生课 - 面对最大的痛， 灰心和绝望只会让那份痛更痛. 需要是最大的勇气， 以新的视野来寻找最美好的幸福...

作词：张雨生 作曲：张雨生 编曲：张雨生/五月天

小时候 我一直有个梦
有一天 我要飞上外太空
就像夏夜繁星闪烁 幻想我能穿梭其中
你有没有过 你有没有过

小时候 渴望硕壮的成熟
长大后 我有雪亮的天空
风雨却让世界不同 面对遍体鳞伤的痛
你有没有放弃梦想的冲动

当你的心已累 以为失去了一切
其实等在前面 还有一整个世界
当你的爱已碎 以为纯真会幻灭
其实等在前面还有一整个新的视野 新的起点

小时候 我一直有个梦
有一天 我要飞上外太空
即使越来越淡的星座 越来越远的神话传说
我不会忘记在夏夜的时空遨游

Woke up on wed with both my eyes burning and sore, went to see the MO who warded me in sick bay for 1 entire day intead of giving me Att C (hmph..) Didn't turn out too bad in the end, cos i managed to finish a library book that i wanted to finish reading b4 returning. The book was Timothy Keller's "The Reason for God". Pls refrain from giving me tht look yet, I'm not converting, I just though it would be good to see both sides of the argument after reading Richard Dawkin's "The God Delusion" and Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot". I must say after reading all three books, I am exposed to a little bit more of the vast expense of knowledge, issues that we need to grapple with, before we can actually decide on our faith, religion and philosophy. From such a vantage point, one would wonder how so many people in the world can live with knowing so little, yet holding on so much to their beliefs (i mean any kind of belief here) . I'll leave you with quotes from Timothy Keller's and Carl Sagan's books. (no richard dawkin's one cos i returned his book alr.. lol)

From Timothy Keller, quoting C.S. Lewis:

You can't, except in the lowest animal sense, be in love with a girl if you know (and keep on remembering) that all the beauties both of her person and of her character are a momentary and accidental pattern produced by the collision of atoms, and that your own response to them is only a sort of psychic phosphorescene arising from the behavior of your genes. You can't go on getting very serious pleasure from music if you know and remember that its air of signaficance is a pure illusion, that you like it only because your nervous system is irrationally conditioned to like it.

From Carl Sagan, ( I think this came out in Jen Han's blog b4, but yes, reading it in the book again myself, it is so intense that i think it's worth another publish)

Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.

Some insights from me (at least what i managed to convince myself of in the slew of arguments and counter-arguements i've read) - That what is desirable and injected with a high likelihood is not necessary true. If we are indeed a cosmic accident, a mere product of random chances and statistics, we should not despair and act with no moral considerations. Instead, we should have the courage to stand for ourselves and believe in ourselves that we can (if not we will debate, argue and try our very best to) make valid moral judgements....

Replay......


很多时候我因为怕受伤，所以就选择先放弃。
我更因为我太爱自由，所以明明渴望爱情，却依然不知怎样让别人进入我的世界。

难道，我不能给你百分百的信心吗？
你知道，我一直有多在乎你。

我珍惜这份安全感，却担心他的牺牲。
所以每天的感觉还是孤独的。
我还是需要一个人，一个人想一想。

冰箱结霜 咖啡滚烫 煮不好 最简单的早餐......
我的生活 是一团混乱 维持单身 感觉茫然......
喜不喜欢 习不习惯 我总是 说不出个答案......
一个人来 又一个人往 怎么让他 流连忘返......

我不想当笨蛋 我在墙上写满渴望......
我可以大哭一场 房间还是空空荡荡......
我绝对不逞强 该属于我任其自然......
可是我也要安全感..在某个适当程度的主张......
纵然是了解眼光 也是温暖

这段日子你真的过的好吗？
没有你的早晨，加了糖的咖啡，也是苦的。

当时我尊重你的要求，所以我离开。
但，这段日子你不开心，所以我就回来了。

也许，我连自己要什么我也不知道。
我一个人，游游荡荡。自由久了，也没有了目标。
梦里醒来，发现墙上已经不自觉写满了你的名字。

单身，是茫然。恋爱，也彷徨。我明白，
所以我用时间去证明了这颗心。不会因为你曾经的放弃而改变。

每个早上 都想赖床 没有梦 是最让人沮丧......
我的眼睛 盯着天花板 也跑不出 任何对象......

我不想当笨蛋 我在墙上写满渴望......
我可以大哭一场 房间还是空空荡荡......
我绝对不逞强 该属于我任其自然......
可是我也要安全感, 在某个适当程度的主张......
纵然是了解眼光也是温暖

难道我真的是个笨蛋？一直错过已经在身边的幸福。

我们只是用时间找到了我们需要什么。
时间让我们认识了自己，也肯定了对方。

因为你，让我知道真正的幸福是什么。

Went for RICO concert yest. A rather intriguing experience i would say. The flashbacks of memories when i was still learning the ropes of how to create music brought a sophisticated me stumbling back to earth. I mean, looking at them play, I would ask myself- why on earth do I inject so much meaning into every single note? Where did that happy-go-lucky-play-music-as-it-is carefree-ness go to?

And yes, the country rock classic i promised.....

Look into my eyes you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do I do it for you

Look into your heart you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do I do it for you

There's no love like your love
And no other could give more love
There's nowhere unless you're there
All the time all the way

Oh you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you Ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do I do it for you

[Bryan Adams - Everything I do (I do it for you)]

When you don't flinch when you learn that you have to take over 3 guard duties for the rest of the month, plus you are rotating COS with 3 other newbies which you have to guide everyday and plus you are the first-name-come-to-mind ppl to arrow in the office, you know you are truly at the top of your game. But, When you are at the top of your game, you don't feel unsettled. I'm unsettled, and I'm pretty puzzled by it. And if you know the me I am now, you'll know that I 'll have formulated a logical and systematic analysis of the situation complete with all the possible courses of action and sieved out the one that appeal to me the most. So what's unsettling i think, is the ultimate lack of purpose, however perverted the purpose may be. Just as I watch Operation FBB(codename) from the sidelines and I wonder to myself what could possibly drive normal rational people to such insane, illogical state where senseless stuff are dished out in an almost routine-like manner, I see an inexorable sense of purpose develop in both the victims and the power figures. The victims, understandably, develop this sense of purpose out of survival to try to overcome the avalanche of adversity. The power figures on the other hand, are the tricky ones, because their sense of purpose comes from this fuzzy moral high ground they claim they are on, which was why i annotated sense of purpose with a "however perverted it may be". It's a slippery slope, the argument of needing evil as great to bring out good even greater. It's the sacred word "sacrifice" that justifies their conscience - the thinking that inflicting "false evil" would "stimulate" the growth of good and that they are indeed being "selfless and compassionate" when they commit acts that they would normally condemn. I have diverted from the main topic but i'll just continue. However, we are all human. Who are we to deliberately inflict pain and fear to another human being in the name of good. I mean, I can understand it when law is used to punished a criminal. A human being committed an act that was contrary to what is deemed as good moral by the general public, we inflict pain and fear to make him learn. But when a human being does no such thing, who are we to say that a simulated environment of pain and fear would be beneficial to him because he would learn to toughen and steel himself. The conscience that would readily reject such fallacious argument is being seduced by the "sacrifice logic" and egged on by authoritative stamp of the organisation. To think that the exact same ppl who would find such an argument laughable a few years ago can now thoroughly convince themselves to believe in it. It's scary. We humans have a weakness for greatness - we all want to be great, to be like the hero in the movie, the sacrificer who readily gives himself up to save others and then bask in eternal glory. This want, desire, hunger, is not by nature bad. It is, actually, the inspiration for progress, the creator of many brave and wonderful souls out there doing miraculous stuff. But before we set off to do something great, let us not use our heart to think. Let the brain do its job.

Okay.. back to my lack of purpose. Sorry, got carried away in the above para. So my course of action, find purpose. Yah, so I've found my purpose - to analyse and break down whatever probs i have with the organisation just like in above and in doing so, finding the peace that I need so much.

hmm... i grudgingly admit that there are some nice songs in English pop... haha... but country rock classics are still the best! wait for my next installment...

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

“The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed” [Definitely, Maybe]

It's stuff like this that keeps me going...

I'm blogging from camp, after watching sg lose the table-tennis finals. let me just add that the commentator was really irritating and seemingly oblivious to his own brand of cold humour. It was THE highlight of the match really... Been neglecting the blog for the past week though i was on off. NDP weekend was totally burned though with COS on sun after sat's NDP. Not that there's nothing to blog about but i just can't (bother) find the context to blog it. Blame it on my lousy language skills if you want, however, there's not much left after 22 months in the organisation.

It's amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don't say a thing

[CHORUS:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There's a truth
In your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You'll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
(The crowd)
Try as they may
They could never define
What's been said
Between your
Heart and mine

[Repeat chorus twice]

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

[Repeat chorus]

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

One of those songs that just makes u wanna sing/hum along whenever you hear it...

2 songs up in this post. The first is the one playing in the background, Oasis by D.A.I.. One of those rock songs you can listen over and over again without getting bored of it. The next song is the one below in the youtube video. Mayday's junior - 丁当, with a super sad MV and very nice voice and melody.




猜不透 你最近是好是坏 更沉默
我也不想去追问太多
让试探为彼此的心上了锁

猜不透 相处会比分开还寂寞
两个人都只是得过且过
无法感受每次触摸 是真的 是热的

如果忽远忽近的洒脱是你要的自由
那我宁愿回到一个人生活
如果忽冷忽热的温柔是你的借口
那我宁愿对你从没认真过

猜不透 相处会比分开还寂寞
两个人都只是得过且过
无法感受每次触摸 是真的 是热的

如果忽远忽近的洒脱是你要的自由
那我宁愿回到一个人生活
如果忽冷忽热的温柔是你的借口
那我宁愿对你从没认真过

到底这感觉谁对谁错
我已不想追究
越是在乎的人越是猜不透
[猜不透 - 丁当]

been reading the book - The Black Swan. Basically black swans are low probability, high impact events that the author feels we underestimate in our daily lives. Talking about how we are so susceptible to looking at our past for links of causation(most of the time, only correlation is found and our mind generates the logic to make it a cause and effect situation) so that we can project the future with predictable certainty, he mentioned this line - "that we would rather be wrong with infinite precision than to accept that we are approximately right" How very true...

如果忽远忽近的洒脱是你要的自由, 那我宁愿回到一个人生活

如果忽冷忽热的温柔是你的借口, 那我宁愿对你从没认真过...

Dark knight was mind-blowing, just like V for Vendetta, Fight Club...

"Sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

At what cost? Truth at times can get pretty ugly and we all like our truths (ie. facts weaved into a story) packaged and presented in the papers on the breakfast table in a way　such that they are as palatable as the food on the table. Nobody likes truths that disillusion them, crush their ideals. But the fact remains that truths are neutral, they do not come nice and beautiful everytime. While reaffirming faith is crucial in maintaining societal order, it comes with a risk of reinforcing "ineffective/destructive/wasteful(in Darwinian terms)" societal behavior..

"
The Joker: [speaking to Two-Face] Do I really look like a man with a plan, Harvey? I don't have a plan. The mob has plans, the cops have plans. You know what I am, Harvey? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one. I just *do* things. I'm a wrench in the gears. I *hate* plans. Yours, theirs, everyone's. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I am not a schemer. I show schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that what happened to you and your girlfriend wasn't personal, you know I'm telling the truth.
[hands Two-Face a gun]

The Joker: It's a schemer who put you where you are. You were a schemer. You had plans. Look where it got you. I just did what I do best-I took your plan and turned it on itself. Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple bullets. Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I am an agent of chaos. And you know the thing about chaos, Harvey? It's fair.

[with the gun in Two-Face's hand, he places the gun to his forehead; Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]
Two-Face: [showing the unscarred side] You live.
The Joker: Mm-hm.
Two-Face: [flipping, showing the scarred side] You die.
The Joker: Now you're talking!
"

This part absolutely reminds me of Fight Club, the scene where he scarred his hand using lye. I like the way he subtly pointed out the paradox in our morality judgement. Drawing an example from the movie itself, he threatened to "burn down a hospital" if some guy does not die within 24 hours. The immediate mob mentality is that this guy has got a responsibility to get himself killed and everyone who knows the above statement has a responsibility to make sure he is killed. Now, note that the guy has no direct cause and effect link to the hospital being burned down. It's an arbitrary relationship drawn out by a criminal. In normal circumstances, he would not be held accountable at all, but with the power of words, he is deemed by society accountable. How did we ever reach such a conclusion? The movie attributed it to fear, i think it's something more sinister than that. It's the illusion of hope. We actually believe that we might be doing something good by killing the guy...

Finally, some comments on Joker. I didn't find him freaky, rather I found him eerily real, sane and logical. A very believable charcter. "Nothing. No DNA, no fingerprints. Clothing is custom, no tags or brand labels. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint. No name, no other alias." I think the producer is trying to remind us that the Joker is a symbol, not just a character. He could be anyone of us....

Music is from Yoshiki's album Eternal Melody II, I'll Be Your Love (instrumental)... I love the way the individual soloists and strings section come in for the verse. And as usual the piano playing is fantastic....

前天， 有人问我，“到底怎么了？”　简简单单的一个问题， 我草率地回答：“没什么，还好嘛．．．”　回去想了一想，才发现或许我的回答应该没那么简单吧．．．

我想我也累了， 但心结总是解不开...　还在盲目地找寻着理由，解释．．．
我连流泪的权力都没有了．．．
这场戏也该落幕了，只怕卸了妆，拿下面具的我对周围的人来说是陌生的．．
这最佳演员，　我想我拿定了．．．

Why are people so afraid of confrontations? We side-step, avoid, detour, avert, overlook, ignore, pretend, disguise.... anything but confront. In the end,just like a car swerving in and out of traffic, a sudden loss of control and.... we crash.. And with the word crash, i mean a complete obliteration... No remnants, no souvenirs, just a hazed, distorted memory of what happened. And we walk away, dazed, continuing in our staunch aversion, waiting for another chance to crash, to obliterate..

I think i agree with jloh's statement in his latest post.The greatest irony about ns is that while we whine, complain about, disagree with many parts of the system, you come to realize near the end(where we are right now) that perhaps there's no better alternative...

I've just discovered my new favourite past time - Driving my open-top vehicle in the rain on the expressway. The chattering teeth, the trembling hands, the blurred vision and the chilling wind... an exhilarating experience..

突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞

许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可
委屈却没有人诉说

夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔

许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默
其实反而显得做作

夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你想起我
你会想到什么

[张惠妹 - 如果你也听说]

song written by jay chou...

can't even do my guard duty in peace.... sianz.... oh well... things can't get worse, can they?

Taken from Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.. Mind-blowing Stuff...

The tears were really coming now, and one fat stripe rolled along the barrel of the gun and down the loop around the trigger to burst flat against my index finger. Raymond Hessel closed both eyes so I pressed the gun hard against his temple so he would always feel it pressing right there and I was beside him and this was his life and he could be dead at any moment. > > This wasn’t a cheap gun, and I wondered if salt might fuck it up. > > Everything had gone so easy, I wondered. I’d done everything the mechanic said to do. This was why we needed to buy a gun. This was doing my homework. > > We each had to bring Tyler twelve driver’s licenses. This would prove we each made twelve human sacrifices. > > I parked tonight, and I waited around the block for Raymond Hessel to finish his shift at the all-night Korner Mart, and around midnight he was waiting for a night owl bus when I finally walked up and said, hello. > > Raymond Hessel, Raymond didn’t say anything. Probably he figured I was after his money, his minimum wage, the fourteen dollars in his wallet. Oh, Raymond Hessel, all twenty-three years of you, when you started crying, tears rolling down the barrel of my gun pressed to your temple, no, this wasn’t about money. Not everything is about money. > > You didn’t even say, hello. > > You’re not your sad little wallet. > > I said, nice night, cold but clear. > > You didn’t even say, hello. > > I said, don’t run, or I’ll have to shoot you in the back. I had the gun out, and I was wearing a latex glove so if the gun ever became a people’s exhibit A, there’d be nothing on it except the dried tears of Raymond Hessel, Caucasian, aged twenty-three with no distinguishing marks. > > Then I had your attention. Your eyes were big enough that even in the streetlight I could see they were antifreeze green. > > You were jerking backward and backward a little more every time the gun touched your face, as if the barrel was too hot or too cold. Until I said, don’t step back, and then you let the gun touch you, but even then you rolled your head up and away from the barrel. > > You gave me your wallet like I asked. > > Your name was Raymond K. Hessel on your driver’s license. You live at 1320 SE Benning, apartment A. That had to be a basement apartment. They usually give basement apartments letters instead of numbers. > > Raymond K. K. K. K. K. K. Hessel, I was talking to you. > > Your head rolled up and away from the gun, and you said, yeah. You said, yes, you lived in a basement. > > You had some pictures in the wallet, too. There was your mother. > > This was a tough one for you, you’d have to open your eyes and see the picture of Mom and Dad smiling and see the gun at the same time, but you did, and then your eyes closed and you started to cry. > > You were going to cool, the amazing miracle of death. One minute, you’re a person, the next minute, you’re an object, and Mom and Dad would have to call old doctor whoever and get your dental records because there wouldn’t be much left of your face, and Mom and Dad, they’d always expected so much more from you and no, life wasn’t fair, and now it was come to this. > > Fourteen dollars. > > This, I said, is this your mom? > > Yeah. You were crying, sniffing, crying. You swallowed. Yeah. > > You had a library card. You had a video movie rental card. A social security card. Fourteen dollars cash. I wanted to take the bus pass, but the mechanic said to only take the driver’s license. An expired community college student card. > > You used to study something. > > You’d worked up a pretty intense cry at this point so I pressed the gun a little harder against your cheek, and you started to step back until I said, don’t move or you’re dead right here. Now, what did you study? > > Where? > > In college, I said. You have a student card. > > Oh, you didn’t know, sob, swallow, sniff, stuff, biology. > > Listen, now, you’re going to die, Ray-mond K. K. K. Hessel, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. So lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. I don’t give a shit. I have the gun. > > Finally, you were listening and coming out of the little tragedy in your head. > > Fill in the blank. What does Raymond Hessel want to be when he grows up? > > Go home, you said you just wanted to go home, please. > > No shit, I said. But after that, how did you want to spend your life? If you could do anything in the world. > > Make something up. > > You didn’t know. > > Then you’re dead right now, I said. I said, now turn your head. > > Death to commence in ten, in nine, in eight. > > A vet, you said. You want to be a vet, a veterinarian. > > That means animals. You have to go to school for that. > > It means too much school, you said. > > You could be in school working your ass off, Raymond Hessel, or you could be dead. You choose. I stuffed your wallet into the back pocket of your jeans. So you really wanted to be an animal doctor. I took the saltwater muzzle of the gun off one cheek and pressed it against theother. Is that what you’ve always wanted to be, Dr. Raymond K. K. K. K. Hessel, a veterinarian? > > Yeah. > > No shit? > > No. No, you meant, yeah, no shit. Yeah. > > Okay, I said, and I pressed the wet end of the muzzle to the tip of your chin, and then the tip of your nose, and everywhere I pressed the muzzle, it left a shining wet ring of your tears. > > So, I said, go back to school. If you wake up tomorrow morning, you find a way to get back into school. > > I pressed the wet end of the gun on each cheek, and then on your chin, and then against your forehead and left the muzzle pressed there. You might as well be dead right now, I said. > > I have your license. > > I know who you are. I know where youlive. I’m keeping your license, and I’m going to check on you, mister Raymond K. Hessel. In three months, and then in six months, and then in a year, and if you aren’t back in school on your way to being a veterinarian, you will be dead. > > You didn’t say anything. > > Get out of here, and do your little life, but remember I’m watching you, Raymond Hessel, and I’d rather kill you than see you working a shit job for just enough money to buy cheese and watch television. > > Now, I’m going to walk away so don’t turn around. > > This is what Tyler wants me to do. > > These are Tyler’s words coming out of my mouth. > > I am Tyler’s mouth. > > I am Tyler’s hands. > > Everybody in Project Mayhem is part of Tyler Durden, and vice versa. > > Raymond K. K. Hessel, your dinner is going to taste better than any meal you’ve ever eaten, and tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your entire life.

hmm... I dunno what got into me... I'm planning duties and NDP for my coy specs and somehow I end up burning away all my weekends. I dunno whether it's intentional on my part but let's just say that I know what it entails when I did the planning.... "the ultimate conspirator does not respond to circumstances, he creates and manipulates them"

The charges are in place, sir. Anytime on your command, we'll blow this place into smithereens....

烫金的滚边墨绿的绒面
对称的折线贴紧中间的圆
搁置在角边不怎麽显眼
却让我惊艳气质的特别

看了一眼又看了一眼
总是不能忘记那一种感觉
转过一圈再转过一圈
终於还是回到玻璃橱窗前

电话的那边啜泣与哽咽
情感在翻飞逃不过伤悲
握在手里面话已到嘴边
静默又吞灭最后一丝机会

看了一眼又看了一眼
总是不能忘记那一种感觉
转过一圈再转过一圈
终於还是回到玻璃橱窗前

想把手上这个蝴蝶结
亲自送到你的面前
别在秀发间然而现在这个蝴蝶结
却静静躺在心灵的深渊再也不会
别在你鹅黄衣领边

烫金的滚边墨绿的绒面
旋转在高点格外的凄美
对称的折线贴紧中间的圆
急遽的下跌来不及反悔

[张雨生 - 蝴蝶结]

A classic... and yes, it's sung by a guy...

Been watching 太王四神记 in camp... initially tot it would another draggy korean drama but it turned out otherwise with fantastic music and directing... And yah, i just found out tht the composer for the soundtrack is joe hisaishi! omg... little wonder why the music is so captivating..... And a final add-on factor for guys, 秀芝妮 (one of the female leads) in the show is absolutely endearing...

VES... I dunno wat made me sign it so promptly and opened the floodgates for the other 8 of them to sign as well... Makes me wonder if i tore that piece of paper up, would it have made at least a good half of them reconsidering signing? haiz... Till now, i'm still grappling to rationalise that split second decision i made. Was it to prove a point? To escape? Or was it just some random divine intervention? I think only time can answer these qns...

Slipping into a more and more passive mode, would rather let the situations themselves guide me and show me the way than to impose my own methods to achieve the desired outcomes. Back in company for 2 weeks alr and all i can say is that it's totally different now, dynamics are getting a little complicated. There is a strained harmony which i know would snap sometime in the future, and yet I'm apathetic... Why? Tht's a qn i haven't figured out either...

Driving an open top vehicle with a helmet on public road and then taking it into cross country terrain and even close terrain pretty much zapped most of my mental energy for the entire of this week. Surprisingly, it has provided me with an almost lucid perspective of everything. Like in J R Rowling's speech on jen han's blog, the benefits of failure is that it strips away everything that is of peripheral importance and forces you to invest energy in stuff that are actually important. Similarly, hearing the "i need to sleep" in your head for an entire week gives a total different outlook on your civillian life when you book out....

finally something to justify the blogskin...

那阳光碎裂在熟悉场景好安静
一个人能背多少的往事真不轻
谁的笑谁的温暖的手心我着迷
伤痕好像都变成了曾经

全剧终看见满场空座椅灯亮起
这故事好像真实又象虚幻的情境
只是那好不容易被说服的自己
藉口又顶不住懊恼的侵袭

好后悔好伤心想重来行不行
再一次我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔好伤心谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机

对不起独自回荡在空气没人听
最后又是孤单到天明
(最后又是孤单到天明)

真的痛总是来的很轻盈没声音
从背后慢慢缓缓抱着我就像你
你和我还有很多的地方还没去
为何留我荒唐的坐在这里

ps:生活就是这样爱情不是想象

A crazy week just passed or let's just say a crazy 5 days... since i RTU-ed from driving course... barely clocked 15 hrs of rest in the past 5 days with 2 days of ATP, then one day of LSV driving and then guard duty on sat o_0 A walking zombie now and i'm booking in alr.... grr....

I dun know wat to write anymore, rather i dunno wat to do, wat to say, wat to think... For the very first time, I'm feeling completely helpless, and that the control over the situation has been wrenched out of my hands. Perhaps it's better this way... Perhaps....






The full version played during hide's memorial concert....

你喝醉了
可是心碎的人却是我
你躲不过
他闯的祸坏的温柔

而我又算什么
在你最脆弱给你所有
泪在罚我
我的心不如他一次回头

爱在一千零一夜以后
这世界竟然会没有白昼
你为何给这么黑的寂寞

心碎
不要谁来告诉我
不要谁来安慰我
不要你来费心拼凑

当你双手抱住我
当你流泪吻着我
当你说你曾经爱我

为何不给我
最后一种快乐
让我去恨 让我去忘
让我解脱

心痛
不用谁来在乎我
不用谁来提醒我
不用你来为我难过

没有尽头的尽头
没有承诺的承诺
没有你我宁愿没有

至少赐给我
最后一种快乐
告诉我你从未爱过我
让我解脱

而我又算什么
在你最脆弱给你所有
泪在罚我
我的心不如他一次回头

爱在一千零一夜以后
这世界竟然会没有白昼
你为何给这么黑的寂寞

心碎
不要谁来告诉我
不要谁来安慰我
不要你来费心拼凑

当你双手抱住我
当你流泪吻着我
当你说你曾经爱我

为何不给我
最后一种快乐
让我去恨让我去忘
让我解脱

心痛
不用谁来在乎我
不用谁来提醒我
不用你来为我难过

没有尽头的尽头
没有承诺的承诺
没有你我宁愿没有

至少赐给我
最后一种快乐
告诉我你从未爱过我
让我解脱

心痛
不用谁来在乎我
不用谁来提醒我
不用你来为我难过

没有尽头的尽头
没有承诺的承诺
没有你我宁愿没有

至少赐给我
最后一种快乐
告诉我你从未爱过我
让我解脱
[动力火车 - 最后一种快乐]

hmm.... i seem a little taken to metal/punk rock style lately eh... lifehouse's blind, chris daughtry's over you, now this....

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye(Repeat 2)
Until you say goodbye

[Affirmation - Savage Garden]

Information asymmetry - situation where a party has more relevant and useful information than the other in a transaction between both parties. It's a situation that you would want to avoid, esp as the party with lesser information, cos when the asymmetry evens out, it leaves a pretty sour/bitter taste in the mouth.

Did something crazy to take leave for RJCO concert last fri, and yup, i must say i'm absolutely glad that i did come out to watch them... Like i mentioned in the last post, the perc section is one of the most versatile and well-balanced I've seen and boy, they did not disappoint. Well done! While i was taxi-ing back to camp after the last piece (didn't stay for encore), i took a little trip down memory lane. Oh well, i guess this always happens when you watch your juniors perform. In your mind, you'll always relive the memories of the concerts where you gave your heart and soul just for the perfection of the few minutes on stage. That "do or die" feeling that is only possible in a sch and not anywhere else....

kk... b4 i book in again for another week of driving, shall leave u with videos of a fantastic composer, joe hisaishi.....

I would never understand why sometimes destruction can be so beautiful.....

I think this song would remain as my favourite song for a long long time....

And back to earth, good luck to my RJCO juniors having concert next fri and good luck to me for my driving test tmr...

BAck to wonderland......

Went back to RJCO on labour day. Pretty much amazing how i feel much more alive everytime i come back from a CO prac. And omg, they playing crazy songs for concert this year. Pretty much like what we did for our esplanade concert 2 years ago, just that this time, the difficulty is even higher. The perc section really did impressed me... I think i've haven't seen a section as well-balanced and versatile as them since my batch. So yah, all the best to them for their concert.

Meanwhile for me, I need to pass my driving test to stay out so that I can attend the concert. So if you are a road user, pls keep the following in mind so that you'll not ruin the day of a driver from the organisation doing his test. 1. Pls do not park your vehicles on the side on the road in Ubi and Kaki Bukit areas, esp roads with single white line in the middle. 2. If u see a vehicle from the organisation with a double L plate (ie on assessment), pls do not overtake while it's turning or honk at it. Doing so will cause immediate failure. 3. Pls give way to such vehicles if they are changing lanes, dun make the poor fellow stick out his hand and his head for nothing. Aye... getting so sian listing all those stuff out... shall stop here. 1 more week to driving test!

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

[Chris Daughtry - Over You]

I wish i could believe the lyrics......

忽然不想让你知道
在我心中你多重要
既然你要自由
你就得到
让你永远都记得我好

忽然不想让你知道
你的爱我已经戒不掉
就让思念淹没
我不想逃
反正你将永远不知道

今夜星光多美好
适合用寂寞去凭吊
我们曾用爱互相依靠
付出多少不用计较
想一个人多美好
就算只剩记忆可参考
被爱放逐到天涯海角
我的思念你不用都知道

直到有天你我年老
回忆随着白发风中闪耀
至少我清清楚楚知道
你若想起我会微笑

[周惠 - 不想让你知道]

stagnating...................................

In class 4 driving now... pretty interesting experience, but gets a little stiffling after a while cos all you do is practical diving and theory lessons. Anw, tht's besides the point. My theory instructor there was a prison warden b4 and he was telling us how things were like in prison. One particular episode struck me and got me thinking. He was describing about this guy whose sole job inside is to pull the lever when they hang those who are on the death sentence. Yup... a job as simple as pulling the lever gets u like 2+k per month. However, the guy's always drunk even when doing the job. Nobody minded cos yah... no one wanted to take over his job... And then, he described the time when he had to pull the lever and how tht act caused him to be sleepless for a month... Cos nobody's a criminal on the death row, even the most hardened criminals are repentant... So it seems as though the punishment was on those living (the family, the person who pulls the lever) rather than the assumed criminal. But still.... , I am for the death sentence punishment...
Fast forward to in bunk. A fellow sergeant and I were talking bout war and its moral, ethics. Then he got to a point where he asked if an air strike is valued more than a person's life. My answer was pretty straightforward. Like duh, if you do not want to think bout the monetary value of an airstrike then at least think of its strategic value if deployed at another location instead of using it to save ONE life. But you know what, if I was there fighting, I WOULD call for an airstrike. And more laughably, if I was in HQ receiving the request for the airstrike, I WOULD approve it also.
It is a sin to be idealistic. The world has absolutely no tolerance for a perfect fantasy world. This world's pretty crazy, and i think that's how it works...

I know i should give up trying, every single thing points towards one logical and reasonable resoulution, but as usual...... my heart's in all the wrong places.....

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you cant take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
Youre caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you cant face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

And there has always been heartache and pain
And when its over youll breathe again
Youll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone
[Crash and Burn - Savage Garden]