Letting go.....seems easier said than done....and the truth is......who can let go?.......

23072004
What a day...an ordinary day....a day just like others....yet it hold so much significance to me.
I cannot deny that this day was far more meaningful than any other I had in RI, I cannot deceive myself to think that I do not care, I do not love.....This day is handover, where sec 4s
officially "retire" from the orchestra, where the new tide washes us thru. It marks the end of
our journey, a beginning for the next generation...... I cannot give back what RICO has given me in the past 3 years, it is too much to be returned.

Though my path in the orchestra wasn't really smooth-sailing, it was a learning process, and I
was given an experience I would never forget eternally.... Yes, today the amazing journey i took
would be revealed and secrets shall be told and truth shall be known Year 2001, sep-nov, i joined RICO as a sec 1 switching from Judo to Chinese Orchestra. I was in Judo for the first 3 months, quiting somewhere in April orMay. The reason which I quit was that I could not comprehend and accept gamesmanship. I felt that there was more to life than that. A casual comment from my mum was enough for me to set my mind on quiting. After quiting, I was a "
floating body" for 6 months. In this 6 months, I've tried applying for another sports CCA,
basketball, which I tot I could understand and excel. The TIC(teacher-in-charge) had promised to let me try for the team. However, coincidentally or whatever, he did not get back to me. By sep-nov, I finally realised that I couldn't go on like this. Thus, in a new environment with new
friends for 9 months, I took the largest gamble- as my best friend- kevin was in CO, my brother
was in band, I went to apply for CO. I have no musical background and screwed music lessons in pri sch. What I did was apparent sucide, but looking at todae, it has not turned out so.......

When I stepped into RICO, I felt remotely out of place. I had no understanding of music theory,
was unable to differentiate one instrument from the other and knew very few ppl. I was allocated into erhu with Kai Hong who joined at the same time as me. Kai Hong had an advantage as he had a grade 4 or 6 piano cert. (I forgot) Soon, we went for lessons under Mr Mike Chiang, basically an extremely nice guy who oozes charm and is extremely funny. Kai Hong was learning at a faster rate and I had difficulty catching up. Not long after, we were also required to "observe" orchestral practice. It is during one of these practice that Mr Goh Yew Guan, RICO's conductor at that time, picked us up and set us to play percussion, me a triangle and kai hong wooden blocks. Yes, with my music theory at that time, u could imagine what happen. I couldn't even play the first beat of every bar(thts wat the score requires of me) at tht time. Btw, the song was Long, our 2003 SWF piece. After numerous practice and guidance from both Julian and Mr Goh, i begin to get the hang of it. RICO was in a precarious situation at tht time. We got a bronze, a big drop from gold, in 2001. There were rumours of disbanding, morale was at a all time low. I couldn't choose a worse time to join.

In sec 2, the situation continued and there was this "draggy" feeling thru out CO. Percussion had no sectionals and we(Me, Julian, Kai Hong) literally had to sight-read every practice and
obviously, we would get screwed this way. Near the end of the year, there was shocking news.....
Mr Goh had decided to quit. He has been with the CO since RICO was started and the reasons forhis leaving are too sensitive to quote up here, but I'll just say that it's got something to do
with a disreptancy in viewpoint of him and the sch's management. A new conductor, Mr Yeo Puay Hian, took over, a fatherly figure that is kind and well-respected. Things have just started to change.....

To descibe the turning point of the orchestra, I could not leave out one very important person,
our ex-TIC, Mr Lee. He contributed tremendously to turning RICO out of its decline and to what it is today. Sec 3 was an eventful year, which I would call the start of the revival miracle. SYF was on that year and our standards seemed to be indicate another disappointment in store. At the start of Sec 3, we had our late concert which ws supposed to be held in the dec the previous year. I was playing both erhu and percussion for that concert and I must admit that looking back, i was in no condition nor skill to be up on stage. I was playing crap, i think...After the concert, we had our SYF. It drew close to the march hols, we were preparing and suddenly, SARS hit Singapore. We had an extra 2 weeks hols and SYF was postpone for 3 months. 3 months, miracle happened. Mr Lee went to extremes to hire the services of Shen Guo Qing lao shi, who was given 3 months to perform a miracle on us. Miracles did happen and we worked our way to a silver award. Throughout this built-up, Mr Lee fought for us for many things, including using the hall as a practice area, employing up to 7 teachers and bonding the orchestra in a way that was never like before. I salute him and he deserves the greatest honour of making my time in CO a meaningful one.

In the final year, a hectic year, I was drafted into commitee as a Librarian, though I must say I
was more interested in the organising and running of the orchestra than printing scores, thus I
left most of the work to Bing Liang who screws everything. Can't blame him though, the scores and the library are seriously messy and "untouchables". Adding to that, these 2 yrs, sec3 and 4, we had 5 concerts, 4 major ones, Jit-Sin+RI in Sg, in Penang, RI+SN atVCH2003, RI+RJ+RG at SCH2004, the fifth minor one was a combined Raffles schools concert in the Botanical Gardens. Such a schedule was pure sucide if we had expected it, ironically. The cute thing was that it was after we had been thru everything that we realised that everything was so much. Dec 2003, we were thinking of songs to play for this yr's April concert, come up with Fei Tian, Long Teng, Jun Ma....these 3 were sucidal enough considering our standards. opps....correction...i think we started Fei Tian in Dec and for Long Teng, we started 2 weeks b4 CNY, plaaning to play it for CNY. obviously tht didn't work out and Shen Lao Shi was tasked with a 3 month miracle again, this time for concert.

During march hols, went to Penang for 1 wk, must say that it was the most fufilling trip as there
was this spirit of togetherness that is so unique to RICO. It was the most unforgettable part of
my memories of RICO. Yes, again Shen Lao Shi has this unique ability to make 3 month miracles happen. This time, the job was much harder as we were training for a full-fledge percussion based song that none of us has touched in our days in RICO. Yet, he made it happen. Yes, he might have said stuff that are not very nice, scolding us....but tht jus shows that he cares and he wants us to excel. By concert day, a decent Long Teng was ready, combining with RG perc, it made the whole thing sound more impressive.And yes, Jun Ma was finally out(as in scores) 1 month b4 the concert and we started panicking for JOTO 3 wks b4. Still, everything worked out rather good considering the amount of time we had. finally concert....I was soloist yet when I asked myself if I was playing for anyone in the audience, I realised that my answer was a no. I have always believed that music is selfish or personal if u dun like my phrasing, a musician can only meant the music for 1 person in the audience, not anymore. My parents couldn't make it and a few friends bought "Phantom tickets"(Buying and not turning up) to make up my ticket sales. I was rather troubled by the thought till I finally realised b4 going on stage that it does not matter if the person I was playing for was in the audience seats, what matter most is that I knoe that me myslef is playing for tht person. Its like loving someone and letting him or her go becoz u knoe tht he/she would be happier. When my solo finished, the applause was confirmation that i did not care for, though having the Shen Lao Shi shouting good in chinese was definitely encouraging, what i care for is that I am able to tell myself that i went up and played the best for tht one person..... And so i realised that the confirmation that we so blindly go for everytime was illusive, was so fragile and superficial.....The end of the april concert signals the "coolin down" peroid for the sec 4s as we engage in our studies for the common test. Soon, the last concert went and the miracle of 2003-2004 commitee was done and the legacy of batch 2004 was passed down on the fateful day of 23072004. Goodbye seems the hardest thing to say, it seems as we both reluctantly and excitedly handed the baton of leadership to the Sec 3s. The road has been paved, the miracles have been done. Rescuing RICO from the worse was over and the path is lighted ahead. The legacy must continue.....The miracles must be made.....To all my juniors, all I have to say is that we've come so far from our lowest point, it is time to build a tradition. RICO is a relatively young orchestra, formed only in 1980something I forgot. I heard that it was formed and disbanded thrice, as such we did not have the history and tradition many school had, + the fact that our sch had 50 over CCAs meant that budget was low, membership was low. Yes, we might never be like CHS, DHS or even RGS, NY and so on but RICO still remains a unique orchestra. We might not measure up in technique or skills to them but is that what u want in ur life? Yes, RICO seems to be heading downhill again with membership with the sec ones next yr barely over 50, but the most important thing i feel is that the 50 of u all next yr would create a miracle of ur own jus like the batch of 2004 has done. Miracles are elusive by nature, the more unlikely, the more likely, how ironic. The miracle need not be SYF gold or something, it can be something seemingly trivial, but it would be etched into the memories of 50 of u all for the rest of ur life. The most valuable present RICO gave me was the eternal gift of memories. When a miracle happens in ur life, u wouldn't forget it  no matter what happens. So ppl, stop comparing and start living. There are memories out there for u to create.

RICO case closed with a bit of tears, laughter and obviously memories.

p.s. I believe in everlasting memories, feelings. 20 yrs down the road, check me, I'll stil remember 23072004 and the miracles...
Signing off(This is the longest entry so far)

I've seen enough.....The world seems to be too beautiful at times, too ugly at times.....I don't knoe how to put it, its just a complex feeling...

Ppl in the whole world spent their lives looking for what they want. In the end, some got what they want, some believed they got what they want, yet some are disillusioned. Sometimes ppl obtained an object of interest, they believed they found what they want and thus develop a false satisfaction with their life. Have you really got what you want? Those reading, pls take time to reflect, examine your life, is this what you really want in your life? Is tht position so important, tht result or those material stuff? Do we sometimes pursue our so-called interest sometimes too blindly that we forsake everything else for it? I dun knoe but my advice is: make sure you do not regret what you did. Dun jus say it, really think about it. The layman human's major flaw is the inability to think into the future. For me, i can safely say that i do not have regrets. Even if i were to leave the world tmr, i would live today without regrets....

Todae....is rather strange....nvm...i'll go straight into details. First, i woke up late and in the end rushed to the MRT station, missed one train. Still, in irony, i met a someone I've not met in 3-4 yrs? Anw, we walked past each other as though we had nvr known each other. I looked straight in her eyes but there was this coldness tht seemed so familiar. The pt when we crossed each other, i realised, tht she was still the same...but i have changed....Btw, if any of you are guessing, no, my relationship with her is not what you think it is. Still, this incident bugged me for a day.... Next in sch, common test results are finally slowly revealed to us by the teachers. Got 84 and 81 for Bio and E-maths respectively, quite happy but only got 55 for A-maths. Haiz... will have to buck up. Physics MCQ got 14, hopefully enough for a A1 when we get our paper 2 resuts tmr.

After sch todae, we had tph remedial then me, kevin and zongjin took bus 53 home. hmm....an interesting thing happened. Kevin met an apparent pri schmate in the bus interchange and also got dao-ed. He said something to me tht struck me. "Did I change tht much since sec 1?" It totally struck me and i was again reminded of the incident this morning. Perhaps i have really changed......

Finally, when i got off the bus todae, someone called my name. I turned around to look, there stood a friend of mine I've not seen for about a year. He is a RI-RJC senior currently in the army. We spoke for a while and he again suaned me like siao. Anw, he could now do 25 pull-ups in one shot, 5 more from the last time i saw him. Wah...25 is so far away...Still, he was the one who taught me how to do pull-ups and many many lessons in life, including how to chase girls and so on:S. Still, i have to salute him here for his contribution to my life.

Todae...i can only say tht life is full of surprises. When u think everything is going smoothly, u'll find some bumpy roads. However, admist them, there are places to remember, to celebrate. Life is never simple....and i guess the me today is different from the me 3 yrs ago. I am thus enlightened......

缘份是为自己生命努力的人搭起的偶然的桥

Took the above from My Sassy Girl, The Classic. Its meaningful...., at least to me... Anw, the soundtrack, "I believe" so nice..., was watching the show yesterday...okae...todae till 2.15 am:) Such a cute show, so many elements shaped into the movie, comedy, romance, sadness.... The depth of the movie is wonderful, u dun get tht satisfaction after watching movies often.

Common test in 5 days, shall start mugging, so ppl, shall be busy till W2 fri. Gd luck ppl, first dae is a killer, A maths, followed by Lit 12th night and SS, i sincerely pray for my own safety:X

There were daes tht I wished we hadn't crossed paths, there were daes tht I cherish we had. But I guess, if we were two complete strangers, smthing would be missing in me. The experience itself is a motivation for life for me and if u are reading this, I hope tht I meant something at least at a point of ur life.

"少了我的手臂当枕头 你习不习惯
你的望远镜望不到我北半球的孤单
太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回循转
我会耐心地等 随时欢迎你靠岸

少了我的怀抱当暖炉 你习不习惯
E 给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单
世界再大 两个真心就能互相取暖
想念不会偷懒 我的梦通通给你保管”

Drawing some quotes from the movie Contact:

Executive: We must confess that your proposal seems less like science and more like science fiction.

Ellie Arroway: Science fiction. You're right, it's crazy. In fact, it's even worse than that, it's nuts. You wanna hear something really nutty? I heard of a couple guys who wanna build something called an airplane, you know you get people to go in, and fly around like birds, it's ridiculous, right? And what about breaking the sound barrier, or rockets to the moon? Atomic energy, or a mission to Mars? Science fiction, right? Look, all I'm asking is for you to just have the tiniest bit of vision. You know, to just sit back for one minute and look at the big picture. To take a chance on something that just might end up being the most profoundly impactful moment for humanity, for the history... of history.
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Alien: You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Palmer Joss: What are you studying up there?

Dr. Eleanor Ann Arroway: Oh, the usual. Nebulae, quasars, pulsars, stuff like that. What are you writing?

Palmer Joss: The usual. Nouns, adverbs, adjective here and there.
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The quotes above carry important messages and i shall leave it up to you out there to decipher. It's very good movie and novel( I've read and seen both) It argues if the spiritual and scientific world could coexist and shows how the concept inteeligent life other than us could result in a conflict between both of them. Is Science generalising religion? Or is religion brainwashing us not to accept Science?

Into the June hols now, still life is quite empty. Am now digging up old RPG games that are not completed yet to complete. Have not started on hmwk. Got extra lessons nxt wk. grr...looking forward to O-levels to be over. But still, i'm not so sure. O-level marks the end, and the end forces u to choose another beginning unlike my lucky juniors who have their fates dictated for them. It does seem easier to follow instructions than to act on ur own initiative. Human like me are so contradictory, you dun give them choices, they want freedom. U give them choices, they can't make up their mind...haiz...shld start studying and tell myself tht 10 A1s is as simple as waking up 1 day to find myslef on Mars... Well, its time to hit the books!

Plan tht wld never be followed.
-Finish all hmwk by wk2 of Jun hols Sunday
-Slack for wk3
-Mug for common test on wk4

I never meant to change anyone's life, I never thought it could have such an impact. I merely allowed the truth to shine through, breaking away layers of deceit and lies, yet I wish I hadn't. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'll leave things as it is, a neutral party.

The world is confusing, misleading but intriguing at the same time....

Looong time never update. Signzz...Sec 4 yr is crazy, but fun? Well...at least its the year that most of us would make the best of, knowing that we are fighting against time. Had performance at botanical gardens todae, was okae just that we were microwaved by a whole spectrum of EM rays from the sun. Most probably the last major public performance for Sec 4s. Boo hoo hoo.... so sad. lol, if time was put on a expressway, it would most likely be trialed and jailed for reckless driving >)aiyo, todae Xunqi ask me to go RJC, i still not sure lor. There is a Merdian JC 5 mins away from my house and the practical decision should be to go there but there no CO leh...Confusion, Madness, Stress are now part of a normal human life. Luckily, spiritual release in the mordern world is easy to find and achieve or else I'll be dead>....

I dun really get what are you trying to get at. Perhaps I'm slow and I need you to spell it out. What I can say is that waiting for something to happen often prove painful and fruitless. I tried that 3 years ago and till today I still have not forgotten. If you want to do something, say something, dun wait nor hesitate, coz you will be hurting both parties. Life is so unpredictable, any day may be your last day on Earth, so live Today like there is no Tomorrow and leave Today with no regrets for Tomorrow......

"I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy"

"I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you"

"Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if your're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is"

Extracts from "Eyes On Me" by Faye Wong (FF soundtrack)