Note: This post was never meant to be depressing, rather it's a calm and careful contemplation of the 8 months that have passed....

Now tht I'm sombre and awake, i find it hard to describe this state of emptiness. The inability to think has transformed into a rather complex reluctance to think - for maybe the obvious logic of certain issues can inflict substantial amount of frustration and pain. The cacophony of army life has simmered to a droning but still irritating background noise; the angst and enmity towards the organisation have cooled to a weary and reluctant acceptance of the way things are. Dun get me wrong, I'm not brainwashed to start agreeing with their methods and ways of doing things, but rather, it's the realisation that one has neither power nor ability to effect a revolutionary change and that the continuation in the attempt to do so would only result in unhappiness generated for both you yourself and the people around you. I think i'm starting to understand the implicit responsibility one holds to people whom one cares for or vice versa. The question of "what else would you lose if nothing at all matters?"can be answered rather simply. Yes, you dun lose anything, but you can cause others to lose something, something like happiness, love, faith, joy and so on. To put it simply across in an example- for me, whether I'm at home or in camp dun really matter that much to me, but to my parents, the mere presence of me at home actually mean something to them. So in a way, there's a responsibility on me to ensure that I do not get held back in camp unnecessarily. To conclude this point, let me just add tht this applies not only to army matters but to all aspects of life - tht while personal concerns must be addressed, the implicit external responsibilities cannot be ignored.

light at the end of the tunnel..... hope? .... think twice.... it might be an oncoming train....

p.s. I'm pretty unnerved by the clinical and passive style I wrote this paragraph, tht's why i stopped rather abruptly. Sometimes i think i try too hard to be who i was b4... Though it is a common saying that it is simple to forget everything and start from square one again, the problem is that each and every time, the square one is diiferent - bcos of the route that was taken to reach it, just like in the movie De ja vu...



With subtitles this time....