Having mixed feelings over a decision 5 years ago isn't good at all.....

Perhaps joining RI was a mistake and it just snowballed throughout the years into something that is part of me that no one would understand, no one can help and it would ultimately be the thing that breaks me down....
Yes...RI has made me a better person, i've found wonderful friends, teachers, memories, but perhaps i just do not belong among the elitist...

I deleted the post I was writing after reading xl's blog entry. I was numbed at first, and upon reflection, i tot that for the first time, i was actually unreasonable... Though after clarifying with kevin, found out that xl was referring to smth else but still can't help feel guilty that perhaps it started with me. Sorry rich, if i offended u in any way with my reluctance to have lunch at 3 and just slipping off with the excuse that i'm too tired...

As for why i slipped off, I can't really explain why, but when i sat down at S11, I had this sudden onrush of thoughts that left me unsettled and thinking even as I'm writing now. I just felt that i needed some personal breathing space. Met the co peeps by chance at S11 and tht took my mind off the issue for a while but it hit me again once i reached home and xl's post just adds on to it and i guess i've been thinking bout it for more than 3 hours already....

Random reflections that came into my mind during the 3 hours

Realised that I am hard to understand. Ppl actually take a long time to know me. Ppl tht i care for, i value their every comment and opinion but for ppl who i do not care for, i dun give a damn bout what they think or say.

If anyone would recall 4 years 8 months ago, when we just stepped into RI, our form teacher then, Mr Jerry Ang talked to us on our path in RI. It was one speech that I would never forget. He said "Friends are people that you can call at 2am in the morning, say its a emergency, and without a word, they would be over rite away."

"Everyone has problems" but not everyone has problems that are universally understood.

I try to deceive myself that if i think and say i'm okay, I will be okay and if i could deceive myself for the entire life, i would do so. That would prevent me from breaking down forever then.

Anything i say is always half-true

Finally, this entry is totally incoherent.... and it is not my fault....