I sat, staring at the TV, yet my brain registered not what was shown....instead... millions and milions of thoughts flooded the nerves. I'm getting scared of my own thoughts, they are getting too complicated....too twisting....too confusing... Its like being sucked into a whirlpool that does not end and u just keep going in rounds... never-ending.... I wonder when will I truly smile again....

As CNY approaches, the school gears up its festive mood by decorating the sch with beautiful ornaments and designs. Yet, adding or subtracting to the festive mood, were ppl who were observant enough to notice that the Monday after the long CNY break is Valentine's Day.

有你在身旁，情人节每天都过...
但失去的能重来吗？
不知我在你心中的地位，我痴痴地等，等待奇迹的出现...

It's about when to let go, when to truly lift the burden from your shoulders, but how can we judge when we know not whether would we regret the decision.

放手是成全，但你需要成全吗？
不放手是执着，但执着有结果吗？

It's just so contradictory and confusing tht after some time we'll just give up thinking about it. But again the act in itself is self-denial, avoidance. Why can't things be simpler? Why can't our feelings be simpler?

我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱能不能够永远单纯没有悲哀
我 想带妳骑单车 我 想和妳看棒球 心意
想这样没担忧 唱着歌 一直走
我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱可不可以简简单单没有伤害
妳 靠着我的肩膀 妳 在我胸口睡着
像这样的生活 我爱妳 妳爱我

I hate hypocrites....yet sometimes, being hypocritical seems to be the only way to be sincere.... I'm sick and tired of putting up false fronts, to smile when I feel like crying, to laugh when I feel disgusted, to say yes when I actually mean no. Yet, I can't do the opposite, there's a term for it, it's called social sucide.....

The smile on your face, the look in your eyes..... How can such intense postitveness arise out of plain electrical signals? And I wonder, wonder why fear is associated with it....

就是开不了口 让她知道
就是那么简单几句 我办不到
整颗心悬在半空 我只能够 远远看着
这些我都做得到 但那个人已经不是我

Perhaps after today, the sky will be bright again... The dark clouds in my brain will clear up and show me the path I should take, but meanwhile....

刮风这天 我试过握着你手
但偏偏 雨渐渐 大到我看你不见 还要多久
我才能在你身边 等待放晴的那天 也许我会比较好一点
从前从前 有个人爱你很久 但偏偏 风渐渐 把距离吹得好远
好不容易 又能再多爱一天 但故事的最后你好像说了拜拜

Now blogging in fronnt of a computer, I have a choice to make, yet I have no decision. However, we always need to provide an idealistic ending so tht we go away feeling much better in our own lives...

我想我应该轻轻放开你的手，我却没有力气这么做．．．
我会学着放弃你，是因为我爱你．．．

Sorry ppl, making u all read thru all these rubbish, but there's really too much on my mind now to make a narrative blog and i guess u can assume all are routine in sch... Happy CNY! and Valentine's Day (to whom it may concern) thts all from me...

My heart is like a star...twinkling in the night sky. Distanced...providing that little bit of light....insignificant to all... When u look up in the sky and do not see stars, perhaps it's the bright lights that surround u, drowning out the stars in contrast...The neon lights, the street lamps, the plasma computer screen, all add up to make u blind...Till...one day...when u are alone in the dark, look up into the night sky and perhaps....u'll see stars....and perhaps....perhaps...u'll see my star twinkling.....and finally perhaps....u'll have faith...

Sorry ppl...not in the mood to go into narration today, will try tmr if i finish my tutorials...jx...ur link is down...

No one speaks chinese in RJC. Everyone communicates in English...somehow after 3 weeks, I begin to feel a distance forming between the college and me. haiz...Not that English is a lousy language or anything, it's just that English at times just sound so formal...so distant... I miss the time in RI when communication with friends was mainly in Chinese(contary to popular belief), though our chinese wasn't that great...but there was tht affection...tht special feeling that bonded us so strongly together. Perhaps this is the "farmerly" feeling they call it in HCJC. Yes, chinese at our level might sound crude...sometimes even obscene...but well...it's better than saying stuff in English that we do not mean. The lack of Chinese(as in the language) in RJ was so bad that even chinese CO members dun understand wat the conductor is talking about...I knoe that this elitist environment is crucial for my future, but is losing myself in the process worth it? Finally, I think I understood why TPH insisted that we learn the language proper and perhaps the reason shan took chinese A? “你是我最好的朋友”and "you are my best friend" just sound so different....

天高地厚
你累了没有 可否伸出双手 想拥抱 怎能握着拳头
我们还有很多梦没作 还有很多明天要走 要让世界听见我们的歌
准备好没有 时间不再回头 想要飞 不必任何理由
不管世界尽头多寂寞 你的身边一定有我 我们说过不管天高地厚
想飞到 那最高最远最洒脱 想拥抱 在最美丽的那一刻
想看见 陪我到最后谁是朋友 你是我最期待的那一个

可以一起闯祸一起沉默一起走 可以一起飞翔一起沦落
不管天高地厚陪着我 陪我一起大声狂吼
想飙到 那最高最远最辽阔 想唱完 那最感动的一首歌
没看见 那天高地厚不肯放手
因为我有我想要的朋友 你是我最想要的朋友

At the sidelines, alone, I stood watching as pained memories flashed one by one through my head. My heart was screaming....but u were too far...too frozen to hear... yet...because of your one smile, I have no regrets...

Food for thought
After my first GP lesson and a few econs lectures and tutorials, I learnt something new....

The following is an example of a positive statement:

"...Conversely for females, every 16pt increase in IQ meant a 40% drop in chance of getting married...." (taken from ST commentary section)

wah...the irony....

One week of lectures have passed...almost without impact...seemingly signifying the calm b4 the storm... Think it's time to settle down to start studying again for I'm sure JC workload is many times that of sec sch. The lectures went by almost routinely, me jotting down notes now and then while stoning for the rest of the time. 2 weeks ago, I was wishing that there was no orientation, ironically, now, I'm missing orientation when lessons start...

Tuesday was Zongjin's birthday. Went out after sch with him, xl, deng and zj's two other female friends. lol, wondered if he noticed that it was very bright...After lunch at S11, we went Swensens for ice-cream...After that, we went Popular as zj had to get some stuff. Saw a table lamp and the grp of us, excluding zj and the girls, was sort of drawing an analogy btw the lamp and our role in the outing...Sorry zongjin, if u ever blame us for ruining ur birthday. And just a reminder to zj and vin, we seem to owe someone in America a long overdue Christmas and birthday and if we drag longer, CNY present...

Wednesday, went for CO practice. I like the room, it has nice acoustics and the ppl there are all quite zai. The leadership hoo-ha thingy seems almost non-existent, think i can put my mind at ease about joining CO. The quality of music we produced on the first day of prac was pro, think can beat RICO already...So RICO, must work harder for SWF. From wat I've been hearing, RICO doesn't seem to be making progress towards the SWF gold...so ppl, pls buck up...i believe zj has already spoken to u all on this issue...

Friday was OG outing and it's covered in the Zev'feior blog, so go read there. Been blog-hopping just now and will share a few thoughts here. It is amazing to be able to see many perspectives of life through blog-hopping. How a person, whether familiar or strange, is doing and his thoughts and reflection...It is even more wonderful when reading blogs tugs at ur heartstrings, making u share the joy and the pain with the writer itself. I dun knoe about myself, whether this blog is adding to the diversity of perspectives out there, or just a stiff stereotypical journal page that is superficial. Yes, i admit that my innermost thoughts are not out here in the open, I drown them out with words, humour, sacarsm and analogys...But who doesn't treasure privacy? There will always be this fear that if u bare ur thoughts, they will be used against u in reality. And cases of such had happened b4, though not to me, but enough as a deterrent. Words are a double-edged knife, if u are not careful, u might cut urself unintentionally, but....the innocent and carefree side of me that is locked up still believes in sharing thoughts....and so, my innermost thoughts are in this blog, hidden between the lines...

"When words could do no more good, silence is the best"