The walls are closing in, I'm confunded.

All the prelim results were given back in these 3 days not only for RI but for many sec schools as well. My results are rather nice in stats, 9 dist., L1 R5: 6, L1 R5: 7. Well, my feelings throughout these three days fluctuated a lot.

Day 1
Well, we got back A maths, SS, Chem and HCL. Well, 2 A1s, 2 A2s. Well, the only depressing note was that I lost to Mok and Boon beside me for first 3 subs.

Day 2
THe climax took place. Hist, Maths and Physics, allowing 6 subs just nice to calculate L1 R5. It was 8 at that time. Then Mok and Eric went to Mrs Koh for Lit and Eng marks to confirm their 6 pts. There, perhaps I felt a little pressure at tht pt of time to perform as well. Well, after sch went to look for Mrs Koh for marks and I got my 7 with both my humance at A2. For a short while, I felt dissatisfied, I felt shattered. Yes, perhaps its the ego, its the framed perfection that was not met. But I soon realised otherwise. It was Mid-Autumn Festival and at night I went to the park that connected to the beach. It was there where I changed my whole perception of the prelims and the O's. The air was cool after the rain, the moon was bright and round. The usually queit park still held its tranquility but as one strolls through the park, occasional festive noises and laughter would be heard. Children were running around with a lantern, couples were sitting facing the sea, families were reunited ( as in chinese ren2 yuan2 yue4 yuan2). The atmosphere was friendly and held peace, I felt relaxed, like I had never b4 for the past few months. I stood on the beach, listening to the waves crashing and the wind blowing, admiring the moon in the distance, examining the length of shadows, reverting back to the natural self of man. As I looked towards the horizon, my heart told me that none of those things I have in the urbanised world counted for anything. It was a feeling that I could not understand. Therefore, I stood and marveled at nature, amazed and free at last.

Day 3
I went to school a much happier person than the day before. Got back english, bio and lit. a1,a1,a2. Thus making up all my 9 distinctions. I am no longer affected when someone tells me he got 6 pts. I do not react when someone tells me he got 74 and whine away how he lost the a1 when I got 70 and needed moderation of a whole grade to get the a1. Why? Because I've seen too much, heard too much and cannot feel that much. I've see ppl get C6 passes and they cried tears of joy, I've seen ppl get A2 and they cried tears of sadness. I've seen ppl trying their very best, slogging their hearts out and getting a pass, I've seen ppl slack through school, only to score an A1 in the end. I've seen so much that it suddenly just doesn't matter anymore. The obsession grades have caused is really too much for me to take, that I sometimes really not want to care. Zongjin has kindly helped me to appeal for my A2 CCA grade but I decided that enough was enough. I'm washing my hands off grades. I will just do my best and leave the rest for others to judge and critisize and at the end of the day, live my life the way I want it.

Only when we look forward to death, then perhaps we had really lived....